What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
