Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
