I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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