I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
