I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
