I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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