Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
