if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's the barista slut.
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Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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