Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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