Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
