I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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