After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
