perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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