well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
