when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
