You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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