A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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