The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
