Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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