i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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