nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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