I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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