You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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