I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
