if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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