I haven't been this sober since birth.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
