Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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