Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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