No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
