Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
