I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
