So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
