Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
