a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
