I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
