saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
