She went from zero to smokin in five shots
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
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It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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