i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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