I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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