Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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