you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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