The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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