I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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