A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
