I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
