1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
