He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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