I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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