the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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