What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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