Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
