You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
