It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know