Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
