So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.