i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom